I’ve been doing pretty well with my fast (eating only raw veggies, fruit and nuts). Since the end of September, I’ve managed to stay away from alcohol, caffeine and meat. I have bent the rules by eating steamed veggies, hummus and cooked nuts.
During this time, I’ve been focusing on experiencing my neediness without my usual means of distraction and assuaging the discomfort of that experience. I’ve noticed that during my extended fast, the inability to look forward to feeding the cravings of my flesh in the near future has served to focus me on the present…present need and present satisfaction in the food and provision I do have. It’s been good.
Then, my Grandpa died. Since Friday morning, I’ve been experiencing my neediness related to his passing. There is a unique helplessness in the face of the loss of a loved one. That fact is no excuse for what I’m about to tell you, it’s simply my experience.
With visions of my relatives gathering in Wisconsin for the funeral and everything that means…sadness, the challenging personalities of certain family members (turned up to 11 as they deal with major loss), lots of food, drinking, more sadness…with the prospect of all of that swirling in my head, I started making plans to end my fast early.
My parents bought me a first-class ticket to Wisconsin and that pretty much settled it. I decided that I would have my fill of free drinks on the plane and be done with feeling my neediness.
My eyes fill with tears as I write this from a hotel room in Wisconsin. I had my free drinks last night and for a few hours, the pain was gone. Now it’s back and more is on the way. The funeral is in a few hours.
I’m off the fast until I return to Florida. Father, please perfect your strength in my weakness. Have mercy on me a sinner.